I Went to bed early yesterday but didn’t fall asleep for hours. When I finally did fall asleep I had a bad dream but then my father appeared in my dream guiding me away from the situation and after that I woke up. My heart was beating so fast it seemed as though it was about to jump out of my chest. I looked out the window saw the sun was starting to raise, got dressed quickly and headed to the beach.

As I as walking towards the beach I began to feel better and I thought about my dream and him whom the dream was all about. I thought to myself, I don’t need him to be happy. I repeated that thought walking towards the beach and yet I have no idea why. I already know I don’t need him to he happy.

When I got to the beach no one was there and that shocked me. The public beaches and the private beaches were empty but I didn’t go there for the people. I went there to watch the sun raise from it’s bed. I leaned against the rocks toward downtown chicago for a few mins before moving to look out towards Lake Michigan.

I smelled a familiar scent and walked over to smell the tree. The birds were all busy bathing, eating and soaring in the pink and blue sky. I looked around seeing again that I was all alone and I held my head back and stretched out my arms. I thanked my creator for this beauty and this peace. For a few moments nothing else in the world mattered.

I sat towards the lake and saw the tip of the sun raising up from it’s watery blue bed and I started to cry. It was so beautiful and all this time I had been neglecting it’s beauty too busy with exhausting nonsense. I thought, God I don’t need much to be happy. I drifted off into a day dream of me having breakfast on the beach with the sun raising. A nice big blanket, pinic basket, and I must have tea. I pictured myself sitting alone with him watching in the distance admiring my peace and my joy.

Then I pulled myself out of my daydream to watch the squirrel behind me having breakfast. I looked around once again and noticed I was no longer alone. There was a man in the distance wearing a blue shirt and that was about all I could see.

I held my head back looking towards the sky once more. I watched the seagulls soar freely and I remembered how as a child i wanted to be a bird so I could fly away and be free. I started to cry again thinking about how beautiful it is to see the birds being so free. I sat a little longer until the heat from the sun was taking the morning chill out the air. I closed my eyes and felt the sun on my face and it felt so good that I leaned back and put up my leg. LOL

I was getting so comfortable I had to look around me once again and noticed another man sitting on a bench drinking something from a can in a plastic bag. hmmm, most likely beer !! He was tall, thin, salt and pepper beard too far for me to see features but I’d guess he was 60ish. Then I knew it was time for me to go although I really didn’t want to.

Walking back I decided not to go past the man sitting on the bench although that was the way I came. I just didn’t feel like saying hello or avoiding eye contact. So I went through the grass. The walk home was quiet. My block was quiet and I came inside and made myself breakfast.

I cracked the window above the dining room table then I made sausage & pancakes. I took two of the apples I was gonna make him an apple pie with and put them in a pot with some butter, cinnamon, sugar and a lil water. I poured the caramelized apples on top of my pancakes and poured myself a glass of tea. I sat at my table eating, thinking, enjoying every bite. I chuckled and smiled thinking damn these are some good ass pancakes. I thought it would be nice to start my day like this every day for the rest of my life.

Staring at this computer screen has given me eye strain, headaches and left me feeling light headed at times.
sheesh…which is most likely why i’ve been blogging in my head since about 8 pm.

With all the rubbish floating around in my head set ablaze by my emotional love affair
(if there even is such a thing) I decided to stop blogging on myspace for a month. Since alot of
my myspace blog post are emotion saturated.

At first I didn’t think I could do it. I thought it was a silly idea and it was pointless but in doing this
I’ve found out somethings I otherwise wouldn’t have.

Blogging is not as easy as you think and certainly not when you have multiple blogs.
There is always the struggle to keep it real and be original.

I’ve gotten request to do videos and O I love getting request. Don’t stop telling me
what you want and how you want it. But of course you know that absolutely does not mean
I’ll do whatever you what. I’ll do whatever I want and the fact that it pleases you is well, a bonus.

You wanna see me getting fucked, sucking dick and all that jazz. I hear ya loud and clear.
And I’ll say this again. I’m not about to just grab anyone and fuck them for your satisfaction.

Who I choose to fuck is entirely my choice and well I do have my standards. I’ve stated that I’m seeking someone
to fuck on camera “LONG TERM”. That pretty much cancels out a bunch of people who have the wonderful talent of short-sighted-ness. Such a fucking disappointment. So, it’s not that I’m ignoring you, or bullshitting you.
It’s the lack of someone who fits with me and is down with this sincerely.

So other than that biz…I haven’t talked to my sister since May 28 !! Hooray !! Soooo, sick of her truly.
She’s on the list of people that are nearly impossible to deal with cause they spew enormous venom into your
seemingly happy life.

I’m trying my damnest to avoid stress. Stress, ulcers, high blood pressure and other unmentionables just don’t
mix. I can see clearly why so many people just let their websites go. You need a support system among other things.
It’s emotionally draining, at times overpowering. Its the struggle to make this work. I mean all of this and your life including your love life.

I called a friend today one of the friends that was their to support me when I first started this online thing.
He isn’t easy to deal with but he’s one of the sweetest guys I know. He makes me feel so strange at times though.
I mean strange in a way I can’t really put into words. I don’t really know what these feelings are or where they
come from.

O and just in case you are wondering, No I’m not hot at all. I feels just fine !! As a matter of fact I’m
wearing a sweater and a shirt and not burning ac or running a fan.

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